'Calling 911'

( 1997 Quentin Bristow)

[After five more years of budget cuts]

Wish I'd never seen that old cut-throat razor, now I've nicked me jugular vein, better call emergency.

(beep-beep-beep)

You have reached nine-one-one, emergency services, your call is important to us. For service in English, press one, for service in French press...

Oh God, yes, ONE for English, (beep)

For service in English, press one, for service in French press two, please wait for the completion of this message before making your selection. For all other languages, please enter the alphabetical number of the first letter of the demographic or ethnic class of the language, followed by the number sign and then the alphabetical number of the first letter of the language. If there is specific dialect in the language of your choice, press the number sign and enter the alphabetical number of the first word. For example If you wish for service in the Szechuan dialect of Chinese, which is in the Oriental class, first enter the number fifteen for the letter O' in Oriental, followed by the number sign and the number three for the letter C' in Chinese, followed by the number sign and the number nineteen for the letter S'.

Bloody hell, I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, I can't wait for all this.

I must remind you that it is an offence to use expletives over the public telephone system.

Oh lord I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were a recording

This message is a recording

Now I've got a recording that talks back. I'm hallucinating, that's what it is - I don't think I've got much longer.

We regret that all our operators are either; taking language training, management training, or racial sensitivity training, or they are on strike.

If unauthorised entry is being made to your premises, approach the individuals with caution and advise them that their activity is unlawful and that it could result in criminal proceedings against them. If they do not respond, tell them that unless they leave immediately, you will call nine-one-one.

For fires, press three, for floods press four, for injuries press five.

Thank God, at last, probably only just in time. (Beep)

You have selected injuries. If your hand is wedged in a cookie jar, or your head is stuck in a saucepan, press six. For all other injuries press seven.

I can't believe this (beep)

For severed or ruptured arteries, press eight.

Whew, finally (beep)

If the artery is in a leg, place both thumbs firmly on points in the inner thigh area until the pressure point is found which stops the bleeding. With your other hand, tear up a strip of Irish linen (the pattern is not important), and tie it tightly round the thigh to make a tourniquet, which will stop the bleeding. A similar procedure should be used for injured arteries in the wrist or arm.

If the jugular vein has been compromised, for example due to incompetence with a razor, then do not tie a tourniquet around your neck, as this will result in death by strangulation more quickly than that caused by loss of blood. Your only hope now is to call nine-one-one and you should do this as quickly as possible as you may not have much time.

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